PM: Oh hell, Humphrey, the bean counters tell me I lost twenty thousand votes just because I didn't salute thirty boxes of old bones that came back from Vietnam. Why do they put these things on when I'm on the campaign trail?
SIR H: I have the answer PM. I propose you throw a banquet for ramadan. That's thousands of votes we can take off Bill.
PM: Ridiculous Humphrey, that's the fasting period. I know my sharia law you know.
SIR H: Not so PM. They love to pig out after sunset.
PM: "Pig out" Humphrey? I can't believe you said that. I'm quite expert on these things, and I forbid you to use such ham-fisted terminology in this context. A banquet, eh? Well, make sure you don't invite any sheiks that have condemned gays. Andrew fucking Bolt will have a field day.
SIR H: I'm sorry PM, but in that case there would be nobody to invite. But I can make sure the most radical are seated out of the way at the far end out of photo shot.
PM: But that's where they put the women, Humphrey. Never mind, speaking of sheiks, invite some movers and shakers. "Sheikers" Humphrey! Get it? "Sheikers..Shake..."
SIR H: Yes PM. Very good PM. Excellent play on words. I thought we could put you with Mister Ali - the association of yourself PM,alongside the most popular man in Australia.
PM: What? I do believe the most popular man in this country is......
SIR H: ...Yourself of course PM; begging your pardon.
PM: Anyway, don't seat me next to that little smart-arse, he'll blind me with polemics. Tell you what Humphrey old boy - get me next to Susie, his wife. Hmm, and on the other side have that sexy Yassmin Abdelly-what's-her-name. Shit, Humphrey, there has to be some compensation for the lack of alcohol and spare ribs, eh? Make sure the wife is down the back on the Hizb ut-Tahrir table. And entertainment Humphrey? Can we get some of those Afghani boys that twirl about in tutus?
SIR H: Umm, not a good look PM. Perhaps for the after-party. I'll give Justice Kirby a call, I'm sure he'd be delighted to arrange something.
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